Day 12: Priorities

Priorities

In our society we are confronted with so many different "ideal" priority lists, from magazines to social standards, to progressive movements etc.

Children

Husband

Work

Friends

Ourselves

Faith

Personal Growth

Personal Dreams

Kids activities

Medical Appointments

Helping Others

Cleaning the house

Finances

Cooking

Working Out

Crafts you want to do

Caring for Animals

Being there for Friends

Politics

World Outreach

Education

and the list can go on. 

 Now you can shuffle this list a number of ways.  And oh heavens do we! It's taken me a LONG time and a lot of introspection and reading from experts etc but I think I can now say that I have a better grasp on how to order it.  Now this is for me, obviously this may be different for you but this is a good general frame work! And remember that prioritizing does NOT mean you ignore the others, but it means that you do not give up your priorities for them.  You work them in AS IT CAN FIT, rather than structuring around them.

For me:

God

Personal Growth-I cannot love others properly and lead a healthy home if I am not ok. 

Husband

Children-attention and love and NEEDS

Caring for animals -NEEDS

Health/Working out 

Cleaning my home-maintain

Now here is where it gets complicated.  The things that fluxuate. I have paired the ones that can be interchangable for me:

Kids activities/quality time

Work/Education

Animals-Attention

Cooking/ Crafting /Personal Projects

Being there for others-phone etc

Helping others -physically taking time out

Now my weak spots are helping others and being there on the phone etc for them.  I have a HORRID habit of letting that become more important than anything else. I have put kids and husband and my growth and everything on back burners because "someone needed me".

Let me be clear, there ARE times where changing priorities is necessary!   I was MIA for 4 days because one of my very close friends lost her baby this last week.  I drove 3hrs to be with her as she finished miscarrying, I took her son for a few days to allow her grieving room, I planned baby memorial and service and drove to it (returning son at the same time).  Then I came home and solely focused on the work that was NEEDED that was missed. There is a huge difference between this and someone going through a break up, or loss of job, etc FOR ME.  I have spent decades surrounded by people in constant crisis.  In constant need of help and attention.  If it wasn't one, it was the other.  I still love them all.  But I can no longer allow that to be my life.  MY family must come first. God placed them directly into my husbands and my hands and no others. Ergo, that MUST be my first priority always. But the other things can shift in true crisis. 

How can you handle others crisis when you are in crisis?

You can't! Not without damaging yourself in 90% of cases.  

What can you do? Give them phone time when you have it available.  Take them a cup of tea when you are driving close to them.  Send an uplifting card.  Contact a mutual friend who DOES have time/ability to help.  Pray for them.  Find a time where you genuinely have time/ability to see them and do it. 

How do you determine how to prioritize?

Firstly, you HAVE to come first (second only to God if you are a person of faith-we will get into what this looks like in a bit).  There is science behind this.  If we can't come from a place of mental health, physical health (as much as possible) and a stable emotional place our help and attention to others will be limited and more importantly, will do damage to our lives if we try to help others. You cannot adequately give from a place of lack.  You can give all you have and burn out and destroy your life and help others.  But that isn't exactly a positive goal.  So your health: mental/spiritual/physical MUST become the foundation you build your life on. ALL ELSE can come second to mental stability and dealing with your traumas etc. "but I have to work etc" yes you do.  You can also get up an hour early and work on yourself.  Trust me it will be worth far more than the hour of sleep.  You can get yourself to a Dr office generally speaking.  You can find free crisis lines etc if you can't get to a therapist and things are bad.  The truth is, we have the power via our choices to get what we need. But it means we cannot be victims. 

Secondly, look at your immediate home.  Do you have kids? A partner? Animals?  The living beings within your home have to be the next priority.  Otherwise, why in the world do you have them? You cannot give your marriage occasional glances.  You cannot expect to have a good marriage or a peaceful family if they are way down on your priority list. The real one.  The one you actually live by.  

Thirdly, look at your physical home.  Is it cluttered? Is it covered in things you "need to get to" that never seem to vanish? Is it run down-have you left broken things to simply be because fuck it, everything is broken anyway? Humans are aesthetic creatures.  We also can justify purchases easily.  My home is run down, I can't afford to fix it.  OOh but I can afford this pretty platter!  That will make it better!

No.  It.  Won't.   

Not really.  It will look a bit better but once the shiny has worn off, you'll go back to feeling like your space is not nice. 

Now I am not talking about massive things.  I mean "I have a hole in my wall" or "It's the worst color brown ever"  or "my table is covered in scratches" type things.  The things that you could truly do something about instead of distracting yourself from.  

Real big repairs? The $2000 deals you can't afford? Sometimes that platter does help. But if you do that over and over again... in 6 months you'll have spent the $2000 on little crap that doesn't really matter instead of fixing the actual problem. 

Think of it like drinking.  Does drinking get rid of the crappy job situation? No.  Does it make it seem more tolerable? Sure.  Is it a HEALTHY way to cope? No. And we both know it.

So give your physical space some love.  LET GO of the stuff cluttering your house unless it brings you actual JOY or is mandatorily needed. They have shown clutter to trigger anxiety and depression in multiple studies. "I was going to do that project though"... but did you?  "I want to get to that someday"... will you? If you haven't had time, what is going to change that allows you to have time? And if you have spare time, be honest.  What will you actually spend it on?

Fourthly (is that even a word?), Look at your flexible things now.  What feels the most right? Not out of fear or anxiety, but where do you WANT to spend your time?  Many people may think "well I have to be at kids activities!"  Maybe you do, maybe you can drop them off. Which way will allow you to be a present and happy mom with them later? I love watching my kids stuff.  Many parents feel like someone is poking them with a sharp tip through the whole thing.  It's ok to not be at every single thing. Or what about "I have to call these friends " why? for filling each others cups? or to keep them from being mad at you? because they need someone and you're the only one they have? (that's a red flag folks, speaking from experience-RARELY is that from bad luck etc)  or "Well, I have some spare time so I guess I have to _____" Fill in the blank.    Start with what will bring you joy.  Because if you have joy in your heart, your support of others will be so much more so.  Your attitude with your spouse and kids will change for the better. Your ability to see life as happening for you vs. to you will grow. 

Will it be super easy to make a REAL priority list? Maybe.  Maybe not. But be honest with yourself. Not everything is a NEED. Think of it this way too.... if you had the flu and were down for a week...what would REALLY fall apart? What would you HAVE to do? Those are the only tasks you need to prioritize when you get into your daily life routine 

Now, my priority for the rest of the day is to connect with my hubby so I will leave you with this:

If you don't set your priorities someone else will.