Day 13: Boundaries

Maybe you're a giver.  Maybe that's your love language. Maybe you need to make sure everyone around you is happy.  Maybe you're a caretaker type.  Maybe you genuinely love to make others smile or ease their burdens.  Maybe you feel you need to earn your friendships or love.  Maybe you feel you need to earn your right to be here, living, in a way.  Maybe you simply don't like saying no.  Maybe you're able to keep a balance between asking too much of someone and you keep hoping they will understand that too and stop asking.  Maybe you are the only person your friends have to lean on. Maybe you simply don't know how to balance your life and helping those you love.  Maybe you deep down just want to watch a movie instead of helping someone move, but you end up feeling guilty and like you're a bad friend if you do that.

Maybe you don't know how to set boundaries.  Period.

I struggled (and admittedly still do) with this for decades. Literally. I'm 37 y'all.  Let that sink in.  DECADES I have given and given and given.  For ALL of the reasons above.  I grew up with the most amazing woman I was blessed to call mama. I remember saying to her "You are ALWAYS helping someone.  You don't know how to not.  It's both your best and worst quality."  

See, even as a kid my stereotypical Libra side was STRONG.  I have always been able to see both sides of things.  Heck, I didn't have the typical fights with my parents because of it!  I remember admiring the heck out of her for always seeming to have an endless heart and mind to help others.  She would be on the phone for hours every day helping someone through hard times emotionally.  She gave amazing advice. Always.  She would scramble our tight finances so she could help someone with groceries or clothes etc.  She stopped to help every person on the corner she could.  We would sometimes run home to get blankets and pillows or a sleeping bag and take them back to the person she felt called to give them to.  Could we afford it? Nope.  Is it a huge part of why we never took the one trip she wanted to since she was 5 before she died? Yup.  In fact, I'd wager it was half the reason she never did a lot of things. 

I also remember as a kid, begging to go do things with her.  Or for her to come play with me. Or for her to take a break.  I found a note recently that she had kept, and I understand now (as a mom) why she kept it.  It was in my 9yr old handwriting and it said "mom. please get off the phone.  I want to go swimming.  you promised."   I remember this specific day.  She had been on the phone for nearly 2 hours because someone "needed to talk" and we never ended up going to the pool.  This happened for years.  Her internal task master made helping others more important than anything because THEY needed it.  And her daughter swimming wasn't as important as this womans crisis.  

Now from a glance, that sounds right.  But when that is the almost everyday....it is NOT healthy.

I got a note from my 9yr old daughter about 6 months ago.  It said "mom, can you please come play with me? I'm still waiting" (well it actually said "mom, can you plese come play with me? I am still wating"-spelling is not her strong suit).

And it hit me.  I have been doing the exact same thing as my mom.  In fact, I have lost YEARS of play and connection with my kids because of it.

Here is the BIG thing that feels like I was hit with (think Thors hammer) by God:

NO ONE is as important as the family I have given you.

 

Our family was literally put in our hands to steward and love and nurture and be present for.  Yes, we still help others.  Yes, we are still compassionate.  BUT NOT at the EXPENSE of our family.

This may mean that yes, we don't give every single person on the corner money or food...and we go to Disney once every few years (don't worry, I do amazing travel deals when I plan).

Or I may not pay the utilities for friends who are struggling so that in another 2 years, my husband and I can go on a cruise... something we've wanted to do for a decade.

Now, before I go on let me make something clear.  This is NOT about putting a lavish lifestyle ahead of others needs all the time.  We eat on $500 a month for our family (I have food allergies).  We don't have cable.  We don't go out to eat more than a couple times a month.  But even if we did, THAT WOULD BE OK. 

We are meant to help others AS IS ABLE.  

Heads up, I'm about to go biblical for a minute here.

Now in the bible there are 3 particular words that meant something more complex than their traditional translation of:

Burden: daily trials and obligations and needs- think of backpacks

Burden: an unbearable load-think of someone trapped under a cart

As Able: without sacrificing your stability and ability to live in a healthy way.

Now we all know that some people are CALLED to service.  Look at Mother Theresa.  That woman was able to JOYFULLY give her entire life to the care of others.  

*Remember, God says he only wants joyfully given sacrifice and service... so if your heart isn't happy about it, you may have a different calling.  Maybe you should serve meals at a soup kitchen vs giving money to homeless

Now if we don't set boundaries, then we end up carrying everyones backpack so they don't feel burdened.  Then if we come across someone stuck under a cart... we either can't help or we literally break our backs trying to carry the bags AND lift the cart..... or we piss people off by dropping their bags to help lift the cart.   This is not how it's supposed to go.

Yes our individual backpacks can be heavy at times, and a little hard to carry.  What would a good friend do in that case? "I hear ya.  Remember you get to empty it a bit just after this hill! You can do it! What can we talk about to pass the time easier for you?"  NOT "oh man, I'm so sorry it's hard.  Here let me carry it for you up this hill".

We can lift each others SPIRITUAL burdens-pain etc by being there.  But again... not at the detriment to your family.

If you are like me, and are several peoples ONLY person they can rely on...you need to stop and think.  Why are you the only one? That speaks more to how they have lived their lives... have they leaned so hard on previous friends that they have left? Who have they chosen as friends in the past? What choices do they make that keep them in crisis so much?  And most importantly: Why am I letting them be more important than my family?

See, it's easy to say "well, I was going to watch a movie with the kids... but this person has to get to the dr. so obviously that's more important than a movie" and load up the kids and go.
What you aren't seeing is the damage.  When you repeatedly tell your kids/partner/spouse by your actions that everyone else is more important than them... they believe it.  They start to know that they are not worth as much as others. 

Let me tell you from experience how much that subconscious programming SUCKS.  I have struggled with self worth my entire life, despite being raised by words of affirmation and told how precious and important and worthy I was.  See, while the words say one thing....if actions say another, we believe the actions.


You don't have a family? Kids? Partner?

Oh, that must mean you can give until you break!  WRONG!  You can give more of your time, true.  But what about your personal development? What about your relationships? Friends? What about you enjoying your life here too? 

Give what and when you CAN without damaging your life.  Period

IT IS OK TO SAY NO!

Without needing a "good excuse".  You can simply say.... "sorry I can't."  If they press you, say you have a previous commitment.  Which you do.  That movie you are about to watch-mind you you haven't watched one all week-that was a commitment you made for yourself.  Now, same token, if you don't care... go help!

A great phrase is this: if it isn't a hell yes, it's a no.

What that means is this: if your GUT says "damn it I am just so tired!" honor it.  If your GUT says "dude, no problem give me 15 and I'll be there" honor it.  Notice I said GUT  and not GUILT or FEAR or OBLIGATION.  

That goes for answering the phone or text messages too. You are not obligated to ANYONE or ANYTHING aside from you, your family, pets, and work (obviously God first if you are religious. 

c'mon). 

Think of a garden.  You have a lovely garden around your home.  Now if you leave it open and unfenced... anyone and everyone will simply wander in and take your crop.  You've trained them that is ok.  Now if you put a solid fence around the whole property without a gate, you will have no one to share your crop with.  However, if you put up a good fence, with a gate in it...you can invite others in.  Or if you have a plentiful harvest, you can leave the gate open for a bit so others can come partake as they need or want.  But if you don't protect your garden in some way, others will strip it bare.  And then where will you be? In need right? 

When we take GOOD care of ourselves, we can do so much more good for others.  IF we use appropriate boundaries.