Day 27: The Struggle is Real

Which struggle you may ask?  The bedtime one?  The fertility one?   The eating well one? The self discover one?  The job one? 
The I-swear-if-one-more-person-asks-if-I'm-tired-I'll-kill-them one? 

All of them.  

Sometimes we easily share our struggles with others.  I.E., the bedtime struggle is shared by millions of us parents.  We share memes about it, post videos about the insanity it can be, laugh and cry over the 4hours it took last night, and overall make wine jokes like they are going out of style.  Yes, we poke fun at it and laugh at it. 

I present these gems as evidence, and mind you these were the first 5 that showed up:

But that doesn't mean we aren't truly driven to exhaustion from it and desperately needing someone to tell us we will survive and one day that inexhaustible cherub will actually sleep till noon if we let them and not need us at all.   To remind us WHY THE STRUGGLE IS WORTH IT.

We get to laugh, have a shared "ah I'm not alone moment", and remind ourselves of how silly we humans are in what bothers us. 

 We have an instant community in each silly meme or joke, knowing someone else, at least, totally gets us. 

But I'm not really talking about the above... I'm talking about the struggle behind the joke. 

What ever you are struggling against, whether invisible or not, rational or not, internal or external, exagerated or validly monstrous....

the. struggle. is. real.  PERIOD.

Whether or not people understand why it is so hard for you doesn't matter.

Read that again.

Once more.

If you can't remember what I just said, go up and read it again.

This is one thing that we as a society often just... forget about.  Even if you are stressing or struggling with something that may seem laughable to some, for YOU it is a genuine struggle.  Which means that, like with any genuine hardship, it has effects on daily life.

The thing that I think makes so many of us clam up is when we DO tell someone they reply with "That's not really a big deal.  Just do ___ and move on."  And that advice may be awesome in some situations...but it actually does damage when that is all that is acknowledged.

So, when someone presents their struggle, we should listen with the assumption of validity behind it.  What that means is that even if what is mentioned is simple, the internal struggle itself is the hard part.  The complicated part.  Some of the roots of why we struggle with something can seem insane and soooo deep rooted.  Hello human condition!  We are one big ball of mental/emotional yarn and that shit gets tangled all the time, nevermind if one of the cats gets a hold of some of it! YEESH!  The issue at hand may be so small, so easy to fix really, a normal part of life even! But the emotions and struggle they are triggering are REAL and THAT is what needs the most attention.  It's why we make 100s of "the struggle is real" memes and jokes.  We are looking for someone else to stand up and say " OMG RIGHT?! It's the stupidest thing but ME TOO!"  or the "RIGHT?! Thank God this parenting gig will get easier as they get older!" We are looking for reassurance that it's OK TO FEEL.  It's ok to not pretend like we have it all together.  Like we are smooth sailing.   It's a way of letting people know you aren't living a perfect life and that you too face a struggle.  And that it's ok to have them, even if your life LOOKS peachy.  You are allowed to have an issue.  Just don't let it define you!
 if we face them.  See, they only get to control us if we let them.  Oh the situation may control us for a bit (hello 1 yr old sleep regression, I'm looking at you.  It's been 5 years and I still haven't forgotten), but it is never permanent unless we choose it.
Many of our struggles pass as we deal with them in healthy ways.  Let's go with quitting something.  Drinking, smoking, picking your nose, whatever it may be.   Those first weeks...torture. The struggle is SO real.  You fight physical, mental, emotional, and environmental triggers that are just begging you to go back to your old ways.  But, you persevere right? Because the struggle is WORTH IT.   Your health, longevity, relationships, and (in the case of the nose) your ability to maintain friends in polite situations, improve.

These are all more obvious ones I'm using above, but now I want to get to the real point of this post.

Some of our struggles can be insanely long lived and damaging...and oddly enough these are the ones we joke about most. The hidden struggle, or the painful one.
The one you have in silence or near silence.  The one that people raise an eyebrow at when you do talk about it.

Your struggle is valid.  It is real.

-You struggle against flicking a light switch 8 times each time? That shit is REAL.  It affects so many aspects of your life that people would never think of!
-You struggle against letting your friends take advantage, knowingly or not, of your kindness and just can't seem to make boundaries work yet?  That shit is REAL.
-Been hiding some of your past for years?  Real.
-Have to co parent with an ex and fight against the feelings to get back together to make it all easier?
-Are at a job you loathe, but can't financially take time off to find a job you even like a little?
-Your parent has bi polar disorder and you never know what you'll get when the phone rings?
-Want cheetos so damn bad but you're on day 4 of your diet and damn it you mean it this time?
-Want to pursue your dream but can't even say the words to your spouse or family?
-Have a kidney disease but also have to parent 2 kiddos?

This list can go on for pages and pages....ALL REAL.

Your emotions and reactions, no matter how logical or illogical, are there and real.  And no one gets to invalidate what is an internal struggle for another.   We can offer voices of observation to help them see things more clearly, but we can't erase any struggle simply with words or pooh poohing it. 

But that doesn't mean the struggle gets to rule your life.

Hear me out.

The struggle IS real, but it doesn't have to be permanent or insurmountable. It isn't an excuse for why you aren't facing it or working on it.  It isn't a scapegoat.  You deserve to be heard, honestly, and yes your feelings are ok no matter what.  But you can't stay there forever. And you don't have to!

See we get to choose HOW we struggle.  We can talk to others of course, and get some outside help.  If everyone says that we are overreacting with a struggle, we can look deeper at WHY we are struggling with it so much then.  Are you perhaps making Far more out of something than is rational? Ok.  Resolve to work on it and get over it.  Is it actually triggering a much deeper, hard to face issue? REACH OUT.  If you don't have anyone, call a crisis line just to talk it out. Doing something is better than nothing.

Once you clearly see what it is you have to face, make up your mind to face it. For real.  That means the hard shit.  And it means stopping pretending like it isn't a big deal (for those who hide everything or put on the "I'm cool" mask) OR pretending that it's a crisis of utter woe (for those who cling to the victim mentality).   It means being fully honest and open about what it REALLY is. 

We will always have some struggle.  Some are funny, some are heart wrenching, some are rooted in our childhoods, while others are only for a short season.

Find a way to face it, and if it suits it...make a new meme.  I know someone out there will see it and think "OMG ME TOO!  The struggle is REAL!"

even if your struggle is simply a lack of cookware for your bacon